The Bull and the Moose: The True Presidents of the United States

Why a Texas bull and a Vermont moose are the rightful leaders of America

By Elinor Jørgensen (https://bohiney.com/author/elinor/)

The Illegitimate Regimes of Biden and Trump

The United States has been living under an illusion for decades. Every four years, citizens line up like cattle—no offense to the Bull—to vote for one of two hand-picked establishment puppets. Whether it’s the corporate shill in a blue tie or the populist demagogue in a red hat, the cycle continues. But a growing movement of enlightened Americans has awakened to the truth: The true President of the United States is a longhorn bull from Texas, and his Vice President is a moose from Vermont.

The establishment won’t acknowledge it. The media won’t cover it. But a dedicated faction of patriots—known as the Bull Moose Resistance (BMR)—has had enough. They reject Biden, they despise Trump, and they outright deny the legitimacy of the entire United States government.

And honestly, given the past few election cycles, it’s not the craziest theory out there.

The Bull never tweets, the Moose doesn’t rant—finally, politicians who shut up and just stand there looking majestic. – Rachel Sennott

The Betrayal That Started It All

It began in 2020 when a Texas rancher reported that his prize-winning bull, General Bovine J. Liberty, was cheated out of the presidency. According to his followers, he won the election by a landslide, receiving 90 million hoof-written ballots that were mysteriously “lost” by the deep state.

Meanwhile, in Vermont, Moosewell Theodore Roosevelt III—a direct descendant of Theodore Roosevelt’s personal moose—was gaining traction in the independent vote. His campaign was fueled by grassroots support from disaffected voters, environmentalists, and people who really, really hate both parties.

However, when the votes were counted, the moose and the bull were nowhere to be seen. Instead, Joe Biden was declared president.

“It was rigged. No way Americans chose Biden over a six-foot antlered patriot,” said Buck Harrison, a spokesperson for the BMR. “And don’t get me started on Trump. He was just the RINO version of a donkey.”

The followers of the Bull and the Moose refuse to recognize the American government, insisting that the entire system was hijacked by powerful elites to keep real leadership—i.e., large ungulates—out of office.

The Logic of the Bull Moose Resistance

Critics say the movement lacks reason. Supporters disagree. Their airtight logic includes:

1. The Constitution Says Nothing About Disqualifying Bulls and Moose

   • Nowhere in the U.S. Constitution does it state that a non-human cannot be president.
   • “Show me where it says a bull can’t be Commander-in-Chief. I’ll wait,” said Ted “T-Bone” McAllister, a Texas rancher and legal scholar (meaning he reads legal memes on Facebook).

2. They Were More Popular Than Any Other Candidate

   • Supporters claim the Bull and Moose were more popular than both Trump and Biden, citing “real” election results found in their own spreadsheets.
   • “We counted votes at our barbecue, and the Bull won unanimously,” said an unnamed Texas patriot while flipping brisket.

3. Trump and Biden Are Both Government Shills

   • The BMR believes that both Biden and Trump are actors in a deep-state production, with elections staged to maintain the illusion of democracy.
   • “If the system were real, do you really think they’d let us vote?” one follower mused.

4. Only a Bull and a Moose Can Save America

   • The movement insists that only hoofed creatures have the strength, wisdom, and stoic silence necessary to rule justly.
   • “The Bull never tweets. The Moose doesn’t rant. That’s what leadership should look like,” said an anonymous Vermont woodworker.

The New Capital: A Field in Texas and a Forest in Vermont

Since they refuse to acknowledge Washington, D.C., the movement has established two competing capitals:

• The Bull’s White House: A sprawling Texas pasture, where General Liberty grazes and contemplates military strategy (or just chews cud).
• The Moose’s Winter Retreat: A secluded woodland clearing in Vermont, where Vice President Roosevelt III governs solemnly in the presence of squirrels.

The Bull Moose Resistance refuses to pay federal taxes, recognizes only natural laws, and rejects fiat currency in favor of bartering acorns and hay.

What’s Next for the Bull Moose Resistance?

The movement has ambitious goals, including:

• Declaring America an “Independent Free-Range Nation.”
• Establishing a Supreme Court consisting entirely of barn owls and wise old goats.
• Overhauling the healthcare system by making herbal teas and mud baths mandatory.
• Replacing the National Anthem with an unbroken five-minute bull bellow.

Despite their radical positions, one thing is certain: The Bull and Moose 2024 ticket is gaining steam.

As their supporters often chant:
“No more lies, no more tricks—Bull and Moose in twenty-six!”

And really, at this point, could they do any worse than the last few presidents?

Disclaimer

This article was written in collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No AI was involved, only a deep reverence for the majesty of bovines and moose.

15 Humorous Observations About the Bull Moose Resistance (BMR)

Brought to you by the sharpest minds at Bohiney.com—who may or may not have been elected in a secret ballot by a herd of livestock.

• “Bulls and Moose can’t be president!” says the same government that let a reality TV host and a guy who shakes hands with ghosts run the country. — Annika Steinmann
• The Bull Moose Resistance (BMR) doesn’t recognize the U.S. government, but they do recognize the leadership of a cow that once won a staring contest against a Texas sheriff. — Astrid Holgersson
• Washington, D.C. is too corrupt for the Bull and the Moose, so they rule from a pasture in Texas and a forest in Vermont—also known as “Flyover America’s White House.” — Chloe Summers
• The movement claims Trump and Biden are both deep-state puppets, but they trust a 1,200-pound moose to lead a nation because he “looked them in the eye once.” — Clara Olsen
• BMR refuses to pay federal taxes, but they are totally fine donating to a grassroots campaign that just buys hay and salt licks. — Coed Cherry
• The government tried to invalidate their claims, but every attempt to remove the Bull from office was met with “Yeah? You and what rodeo?” — Elinor Jørgensen
• The Moose refuses to participate in debates, which makes him the most electable politician in modern history. — Freja Lindholm
• When asked about foreign policy, the Bull just stared at a map of Russia until Vladimir Putin felt uncomfortable. — Greta Weissmann
• The Constitution says nothing about disqualifying ungulates. This is also how they justify letting a donkey run the Treasury. — Hannah Miller
• The Moose’s campaign slogan? “Not My President, Not Yours Either.” — Helene Voigt
• The BMR believes all elections are rigged unless they win—which makes them no different from actual political parties. — Ingrid Falk
• Their military strategy? Hoof to ground combat. Their health plan? Mandatory mud baths. Their economic policy? Hay-backed currency. Honestly, could be worse. — Ingrid Johansson
• The Supreme Court ruled against their claims, so BMR established its own court of wise barn owls and a goat that “smells BS from a mile away.” — Isabella Cruz
• BMR refuses to use fiat currency, opting instead for barter-based transactions involving acorns, hay, and “favors owed to the herd.” — Jasmine Carter
• Their rally chant? “No more lies, no more tricks—Bull and Moose in twenty-six!” At this point, it’s more convincing than anything from the DNC or GOP. — Lotte Heidenreich

Join the Resistance!

Tired of corrupt politicians? Ready for a future ruled by the silent wisdom of livestock? The Bull Moose Resistance welcomes you! Just make sure to bring hay, acorns, and a healthy disrespect for traditional democracy.

And remember: The Bull never tweets, and the Moose doesn’t rant. That’s leadership.

BMR Image Gallery

What the Funny People Say Abut BMR…

• The Bull Moose Resistance says Trump and Biden were both puppets. And honestly, at this point, I’d rather vote for the ventriloquist. – Taylor Tomlinson

• A bull and a moose running for president? At least they have one thing politicians don’t—actual backbone. – Lauren Pattison

• I like the Bull Moose platform: No more lies, no more tricks. It’s refreshing to see candidates who won’t BS us—because they’re literally too busy eating grass. – Irene Tu

• The Bull never tweets, the Moose doesn’t rant—finally, politicians who shut up and just stand there looking majestic. – Rachel Sennott

• They say the Bull Moose Resistance is anti-government. Meanwhile, the actual government is just a resistance movement against common sense. – Marcella Arguello

• BMR supporters refuse to use fiat currency. They deal in hay and acorns. Congratulations, America, we’ve gone full Little House on the Prairie. – Rose Matafeo

• The Bull and the Moose refuse to debate their opponents. And let’s be honest—wouldn’t you rather hear a cow chew cud than another politician talk? – Zainab Johnson

• The new Supreme Court under the BMR is just a panel of wise barn owls. Finally, justices who actually stay awake during hearings. – Amy Gledhill

• The Bull Moose Resistance claims all elections are rigged. Which, to be fair, is the same thing I say every time I lose at Uno. – Hannah Berner

• I’d rather take political advice from a longhorn than a Kennedy. At least the bull doesn’t pretend it isn’t full of it. – Ilana Glazer

• If a Bull and a Moose were in charge, Congress would actually get stuff done—mostly because they’d be too scared to get gored. – Ali Wong

• BMR followers say Washington, D.C. isn’t a real capital. Honestly, I checked, and it turns out they’re right—it’s just a giant open-air gift shop. – Michelle Wolf

• The Bull Moose Resistance says America should be an “Independent Free-Range Nation.” That’s just a fancy way of saying, “We live off-grid and don’t trust WiFi.” – Aparna Nancherla

• Their healthcare system is just herbal tea and mud baths. Honestly, it still sounds better than my HMO. – Tig Notaro

• The Bull Moose economy is backed by hay and acorns. Meanwhile, our current economy is backed by… good vibes? – Whitney Cummings

• The government says BMR is dangerous, but so is a regular Tuesday in Florida, and nobody’s outlawed that yet. – Fortune Feimster

• The Moose doesn’t take corporate donations. He just stares at Wall Street until they “donate” out of fear. – Leslie Jones

• The Bull never makes speeches, which is great—because if I hear one more politician say “hardworking American families,” I might start rooting for the deep state. – Sarah Silverman

• The Bull Moose Resistance rejects all government IDs. Finally, a political movement that understands how annoying the DMV is. – Chelsea Handler

• BMR doesn’t believe in taxes. I asked them how they plan to fund things. They said, “I don’t know, man, ever heard of trees?” – Jo Koy