Richard LA: TikTok's Marxist of the Week In a stunning display of digital democracy, Richard LA—the TikTok sensation known for his lip-syncs, viral dances, and now, minor bullet wounds—has been crowned

No Rest for the Homeless: America’s New Pastime—Ticketing Poverty From Sleeping on Sidewalks to Sleeping in Courtrooms: How Cities Are Criminalizing Existence By Shelby "Benchless" Rogers, reporting live from the concrete jungle Introduction:

Democrats Refuse Trump Compromise, Demand $3 Trillion for Non-Workers as Marxist Party Splinters After claiming mandate from election wins, prominent liberals seethe as 35-day shutdown drags on without clear Democratic victory Alright,

President Donald J. Trump’s 2025 Inaugural Address Inaugural Address "Triggers" the Entire World (Inaugural Address: A Masterpiece of Truth and Greatness) My fellow Americans, Well, well, well—look who’s back! They said it couldn’t happen.

White House: Half of D.C. Thugs Arrested or Moved to Virginia Beach White House Declares Victory: Half of D.C. Thugs Locked Up, Other Half Sunburned in Virginia Beach By Savannah Steele, Bohiney.com A

Congress Launches Efficiency Committee To Streamline Efficiency Committees — First Meeting Delayed Due to Scheduling Committee Legislative Body Discovers Meta-Level Solution to Bureaucratic Redundancy Through Additional Bureaucracy WASHINGTON — The U.S. House

Ken Martin's Magical Mystery Tour: Finding the Democratic Base (If It Still Exists) Ken Martin, fresh off his promotion from leading the Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party (because when you throw "Farmer-Labor" into

Politicians forced to campaign to houseplants, who appear undecided. According to Bohiney News reporters, this year's election turnout was so low that several candidates resorted to campaigning directly to houseplants, who--according

NEVER APOLOGIZE -- Never explain. Never regret.  Secret Presidential Strategy Leaked: “Sorry” Is for Suckers, Losers, and Canadians By SpinTaxi’s Bureau of Blame-Shifting Behavior WASHINGTON, D.C. — Somewhere deep within a gold-encrusted vault

Protest Like a Pro: How the 50501 Movement Outscheduled the Entire U.S. Government WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — While the U.S. government scrambles to hold a coherent press briefing without

Study: Voters Actually Prefer Complicated Policies (Shockingly) By Astrid Holgersson | Bohiney.com In a revelation that has stunned political analysts everywhere while making law school professors weep tears of vindicated joy, a

Media Apologizes for Being Too Critical of Power By Savannah Steele | Bohiney.com In an unprecedented act of journalistic humility that would make Edward R. Murrow spin in his grave like a

Judge Throws Democracy a Curveball, Declares Election Results Void Judge Rules that Donald Trump is no longer in charge of the Treasury In an unprecedented turn of events, Federal Judge Paul A.

Schumer Declared "Non-Essential Staff" as Shutdown Deal Goes from Deal to Dead in 24 Hours Capitol Hill — In a development experts are calling "bureaucratically poetic," Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer was quietly

Traitorous John Brennan Complains About Losing Security Clearance, Demands Emotional Support Spy Network Former CIA Director Now Forced to Read Public News Like a Common Citizen By Sandy McSnark, Funnier Than Anyone

Trump’s Troop Surge to Portland The "War Zone" Narrative Portland’s now officially a war zone—armed troops, armored trucks, and the ultimate weapon: artisanal coffee prices. The Mayor’s Math Mayor Keith Wilson says

Texas Lawmakers Pass Freedom Limitation Act: "We're Just Protecting It from Overuse" Understanding Texas's Freedom Limitation Act In a move described by some as "bold" and by others as "the kind of

This Is Not What Authoritarianism Looks Like! Stop crying wolf when it's just a sheep in a suit. -- Alan Nafzger Written by two constitutionalists with a Bible in one hand and

Mamdani Accused of "Weaponizing Socialism" After Suggesting Rent Shouldn't Exceed Human Organs A Radical Proposal In a town hall that combined urban policy, metaphysics, and local pizza debates, Zohran Mamdani proposed that monthly rent

New Bureaucracy Will Oversee All Other Bureaucracies Critics Ask: Who Will Regulate the Regulators? Regulating Regulations: A Bold New FrontierWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic move towards streamlining government inefficiency, Congress has

Artificial Intelligence Set to Replace Lawmakers by 2026 Critics Argue AI Lacks the Ability to Hold Pointless Hearings Congress Votes to Automate Itself Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking shift for governance, Congress

Mamdani Millionaire Tax NYC 2025: Why Billionaires Are Having a Meltdown Over 2% The Great New York Wealth Flight That Never Takes Off: Mamdani's Tax Plan Triggers Elite Panic New York City's

Trump and Hegseth's "Home Alone" Defense Strategy: Paint Cans Over Missiles? WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that has left generals, foreign policy experts, and anyone with a GPS scratching their

Government Shutdown Looms — Congress Plans to Solve It With More Press Releases Washington, D.C. — With another government shutdown approaching faster than a deadline-driven college student's panic attack, Congress has mobilized

Justice Department Asks Ghislaine Maxwell to Please Pretty Please Solve Epstein Case for Them DOJ: “Our Files Are Missing, But She Has a Great Memory… We Hope” By The Staff of Bohiney

The Great DEI Disappearance Act: How the Government Vanished Diversity Like a Bad Magic Trick Now You See It, Now You Don’t! Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past, federal agencies

Congress Finally Agrees on Something: To Disagree More Publicly By Alan Nafzger for Bohiney Magazine In a rare display of unity this week, both parties in Congress reached across the aisle—not to

Immigration Attorney Named Donald Trump Helps Border Crossings Daily EL PASO, TEXAS — In a twist of cosmic comedy that would make the universe itself check its medication, a 47-year-old immigration attorney

Zohran Mamdani: NYC's Next Mayor Reportedly Campaigns With Pigeon Messengers and Mandatory Karaoke New York, NY — In what political strategists are calling "the most unlikely mayoral ascent since a reality

The Great Texas Redistricting Rodeo When Democrats Fled the Alamo, Abbott Waved an Empty Gun By Annika Steinmann, Bohiney Magazine Setting the Stage: Redrawing America With a Crayon and a Shot of Whiskey Texas

CBS Rushes to Settle Trump Lawsuit Over Kamala Harris’ "60 Minutes" Interview Before Merger Review Media Giant Offers ‘Settlement Therapy’ to Avoid Regulatory Headaches By Delilah Snoopsbury, Satirical Media Correspondent CBS, the network

Immigrant Federal Workers Line Up at Food Banks After Missing Government Shutdown Paycheck: 1.4 Million Affected By Bohiney Magazine Editorial Staff 1.4 Million Federal Workers Miss Paychecks During Government Shutdown In what officials

CIA/NSA Agents Fired for Explicit Sex Talk America’s Top Spies Discover Sexting Is Not Secure National Security or National Scandal? In a shocking revelation that has sent the intelligence community into a spiral