Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic

Researchers Build a Machine to Detect AI in Political Speech, Discover Politicians Got There First The detector was engineered to flag artificial intelligence. It was not engineered to survive an actual

Americans Who Vowed to Buy Electric Cars Every Time Gas Hits $4 Still Haven't Bought Electric Cars Nation Cycles Through Gas Price Outrage, Righteous EV Research, and Eventual Return to the

Democrats Move South Carolina First, Kamala Harris Immediately Measures Oval Office for Familiar Furniture White Democratic hopefuls discover their presidential ambitions now require winning over Black voters, a skill previously outsourced

Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system

License Plate Readers Can Now Track Your Phone, Fourth Amendment Quietly Switches to Airplane Mode Police Camera Says It Doesn't Identify People, Merely Knows Their Car, Phone, Friends, Home and Daily

Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged

National Book Award Committee Announces New Category: "Best Novel We're Pretty Sure a Person Wrote" Judges confirm authenticity the same way they confirm everything else: by asking politely and hoping for

Trump Wants Détente. Xi Wants Taiwan. One of These Men Is Going to Be Disappointed. The World's Two Most Powerful Men Sit Down in Beijing to Discuss Peace, Prosperity, and Exactly

Hantavirus Cruise Ship Passengers Demand Refund, Upgrade to Ocean-View Quarantine Cabin MV Hondius Guests Learn the Hard Way That "All-Inclusive" Has Limits The Dutch-flagged luxury cruise ship MV Hondius limped into Tenerife

Spencer Pratt Running for LA Mayor Because Someone Had to Out-Crazy the Status Quo The Hills Villain-Turned-Political-Outsider Is Polling Second, and Los Angeles Has No One to Blame But Itself Spencer Pratt

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would

Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing

Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken

Los Angeles Spends Millions Helping Homeless Remain Conveniently Homeless Taxpayers fund beds, meals, staff, outreach and apartments so that municipal leaders can protect vulnerable residents from the destabilizing effects of improvement. Everything

Mayor Condemns Synagogue Event, Accidentally Discovers New York Contains Jews New York City's New Mayor Achieves a Historic First: Criticizing a Jewish Immigration Event While Simultaneously Defending the Jews Who Attend

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer, Immediately Demands Promotion From Bedroom Pill to Superhero Little Blue Tablet Takes Second Job in Oncology While American Healthcare Prepares to Charge a Separate Copay

Martha Stewart Burns Meghan Markle's Lifestyle Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Artisanal Candles With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary viewers how to prepare a simple family breakfast using fresh flowers, imported cookware

Free Childcare Allows Parents to Work Longer to Pay the Taxes Needed to Fund Free Childcare In a triumphant announcement that economists are calling "a circle so perfect it should be

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search

Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success,

Shelter Provides Free Housing, Residents Request Tent Near Drug Market Los Angeles discovers that housing is merely one lifestyle option, while municipal disorder comes with nightlife, retail opportunities and fewer intrusive

Network Shocked by Romo Controversy, Relieved to Learn Outrage May Be Tax-Deductible CBS Insists Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves Seventy-Two-Million-Dollar Spreadsheet Open CBS placed Tony Romo on leave following his arrest on

Los Angeles Now Enjoys Third-World Status After Rats Reintroduce Medieval Disease City celebrates becoming America's rattiest metropolis as typhus cases soar, garbage accumulates and municipal officials refer residents to another department LOS

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to

Troy Aikman Needed by Four NFL Teams in 2026 After League Discovers Quarterbacking Is Now a Group Project Cleveland, Atlanta, Minnesota and Arizona reportedly prepared to offer the Hall of Famer

Michigan Democrats Diagnose Themselves With Socialism, Prescribe Abdul El-Sayed Until November Marxist physician promises Medicare for All as nervous party officials seek emergency coverage for Michigan's Senate seat DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Michigan

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee

CBS Suspends Romo Indefinitely, Defines 'Indefinitely' as Until Lawyers Find the Cheapest Exit Network Legal Department Enters Two-Minute Drill With Seventy-Two Million Dollars on the Clock By Isabella Cruz | NEW YORK CBS

Tony Romo Predicts CBS's Next Play: Fake Concern, Salary Relief and J.J. Watt on First Down Tony Romo built an entire broadcasting career on predicting plays before the snap, calling blitzes,