Trump Didn’t Ask Us…

By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl

The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out headlines for the weekend edition. Except this time nobody wanted to talk about headlines. Everybody wanted to talk about the jokes that got away.

The Saturday Standup That Turned Into a Group Therapy Session

It was supposed to be a normal editorial meeting. Coffee, bagels, somebody complaining about the printer. Instead, six grown adults sat around a folding table in a converted garage in Van Nuys and relitigated a comedy set none of us wrote, for a dinner none of us were invited to, delivered by a man who has never once called us for material.

The President stood up at the rescheduled White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner last night and, according to the full transcript, worked the room for nearly an hour without once dialing our tip line. Not once. We have a tip line. It has a working voicemail. Nobody used it.

“He had Fetterman right there,” said Bob Odenkirk, staring at a printout like it owed him money. “Right there. A man who wears a hoodie to the Senate floor and he didn’t even go for the low-hanging cargo shorts joke. That’s not comedy. That’s malpractice.”

Missed Opportunities: A Roll Call

The Newsom Ball He Didn’t Spike

Doaa El-Adl, who has not slept since the transcript dropped, kept circling one line in red pen: the bit where the President said Gavin Newsom “can’t fight fire with water.” Good line. Solid line. But according to our staff, an unfinished line.

“He set up the whole state of California — wildfires, water shortages, the whole thing — and he just left it there,” she said. “You had the driest state in the country represented by a guy who can’t manage his own faucet. That’s not a punchline, that’s an entire one-act play he walked away from.”

The AOC Buffering Wheel

Then there’s the nineteen-second pause. The President mentioned it. He did not, our team agreed, do anything with it.

“Nineteen seconds is an eternity in television,” said Megan Amram. “You had a member of Congress buffering longer than my Wi-Fi during a Zoom call with my landlord, and he just moved on like it was nothing. Where’s the loading icon joke? Where’s the little spinning wheel? It writes itself.”

The Ilhan Omar Accounting Miracle

Easily the most contested item of the morning. Ilhan Omar’s net worth reportedly dropped from north of thirty million dollars to eighteen thousand dollars in the time it takes to fill out a form. Annika Steinmann, our Senior Business Correspondent, who reads SEC filings the way other people read horoscopes, nearly stood on the folding table herself.

“That’s not a decline, that’s a magic trick,” she said. “David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. This is a woman who made twenty-nine million, nine-hundred-eighty-two thousand dollars disappear using a pen. He mentioned the number. He didn’t even say ‘best financial planning since Enron.’ I would have had that line ready before he finished the sentence.”

Bohiney’s Emergency Punch-Up Session

By 10 a.m. the whiteboard looked like a hostage negotiation. Names circled, arrows everywhere, one box just labeled “CHEESECAKE (revisit).” The Christie-Nadler cheesecake fight bit got its own twenty-minute detour, mostly because nobody could agree whether it was already the best joke of the night or one rewrite away from greatness.

“You don’t book two of the heaviest hitters in Washington for a title fight over dessert and then not follow up with a weigh-in joke,” said Bob Odenkirk, who by this point had abandoned the bagels entirely and was eating directly out of the cream cheese tub. “That’s a layup. That’s a joke sitting on a tee, in golf shoes, waving at you.”

The room also could not get past the fourth-term announcement, delivered, as these things are these days, as a punchline inside a comedy set inside a dinner inside a controversy about the previous dinner. Nobody was sure if it was a joke. Several staffers noted that “nobody being sure if it’s a joke” is, itself, the most accurate one-sentence description of American politics currently available, and somebody wrote that down to use later, possibly today, possibly in this very sentence.

Why This Keeps Happening

This isn’t the first time the Bohiney staff has spent a Saturday morning mourning a comedy set we didn’t get invited to punch up. It happens roughly every time a sitting president tries stand-up in front of several hundred journalists holding drinks and grudges in equal measure. The gap between “material available” and “material used” remains, in our professional opinion, the single most under-covered statistic in American media.

We don’t expect an invitation next year. We do, however, keep the tip line open. It has a working voicemail. It is right there.

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Humorous Observations From the Bohiney Staff Meeting

1. A wildfire-and-water-shortage joke about Gavin Newsom was left on the table like a to-go box nobody claimed.
2. Ilhan Omar’s disappearing thirty million dollars is the only magic trick in Washington nobody applauded.
3. AOC’s nineteen-second pause deserved its own loading icon and did not get one.
4. The Christie-Nadler cheesecake fight needed a weigh-in joke and the room may never recover from its absence.
5. A fourth-term announcement delivered as a punchline is either the best joke of the night or the entire plot of next year’s news cycle, and nobody in the garage could tell which.
6. The Bohiney tip line remains fully operational, unused, and increasingly resentful about it.

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The Improvements We Could Have Made

1. Pete Hegseth

   1. His idea of diplomacy is a firm handshake and a protein shake, in that order. — Rosie Holt
   2. Gave a speech on readiness that was 40% acronyms and 60% jawline. — Ingrid Fischer
   3. Secretary of Defense by day, tablecloth model by night. — Allison Kilkenny
   4. Somewhere there’s a whiteboard with ‘Defense Strategy’ written on it in Sharpie, underlined twice. — Greta

   Steve Miller

   1. Smiles so rarely that the last confirmed sighting was cross-referenced with a solar eclipse. — Maren
   2. Talks about borders the way sommeliers talk about wine, except nobody asked and it’s sadder. — Jasmine Carter
   3. The only man alive who can scowl in 4K. — Marta Lund
   4. If silence could file paperwork, it would look exactly like him. — Doaa El-Adl

   Tom Homan

   1. Could deliver a weather report and it would still sound like a raid. — Ingrid
   2. Reportedly the chair filed a complaint. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   3. Climbed on furniture like it owed him back taxes. — Jasmine Kwok
   4. Retired from being intimidating and immediately un-retired. — Aisha Muharrar

   Nicki Minaj

   1. Turned a security scare into content, which is either trauma or genius, and honestly, both track. — Annika Steinmann
   2. The only person in Washington whose crisis response has a bassline. — Sofie Brandt
   3. Somehow made an evacuation look like an encore. — Jen Statsky
   4. Proof that in Washington, even panic has a beat drop. — Nell Scovell

   Sean (Secret Service)

   1. Has a résumé that reads like a warning label: handle with extreme professionalism. — Lotte
   2. The most competent Sean in a town full of underqualified Kevins. — Katie Rich
   3. The kind of guy who’d catch a bullet and still make the next meeting on time. — Sofie Brandt
   4. His job description is one sentence long: don’t let it happen again. — Sofia Rodriguez

   Officer Victor Gonzales

   1. Turned down a hospital visit like it was a timeshare pitch. — Jessi Klein
   2. Ran into gunfire with the enthusiasm most people reserve for a Costco sample table. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   3. The rare Washington employee who actually stops a threat instead of scheduling a hearing about one. — Savannah Steele
   4. Somewhere, a stress ball is being handed the Presidential Medal of Freedom instead, because his nerves clearly don’t need it. — Brigitte Hoffmann

   Weijia Jiang

   1. Became besties with Trump under fire — literally the worst icebreaker in event-planning history. — Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson
   2. Handles chaos like caterers handle a dropped tray: quietly, quickly, no eye contact. — Ingrid
   3. Her parting gift as WHCA president: mandatory Kevlar RSVPs. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   4. Got closer to a president than most cabinet members and still had to double-check the RSVPs. — Gluteus Maximus

   Jacqui Heinrich

   1. Asks tougher questions than most people’s therapists. — Ingrid
   2. Got called ‘nasty’ by the President, which in this economy passes for a LinkedIn recommendation. — Allison Kilkenny
   3. Inherits the WHCA presidency and a very specific dry-cleaning bill for vests. — Greta
   4. Walks into press conferences the way boxers walk into rings, minus the towel. — Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson

   Karoline Leavitt

   1. Fields more hostile questions in a week than most hostage negotiators field in a career. — Freja
   2. Her podium has seen things. Her podium needs therapy. — Coed Cherry
   3. Answers questions with the calm of someone who has already pre-argued with you in the shower that morning. — Anneliese Kruger
   4. Press Secretary: the only role where ‘nasty’ is a job requirement, not an insult. — Tabatha Southey

   John Fetterman

   1. The only senator who dresses like he’s about to fix your dishwasher, and honestly, you’d let him. — Nell Scovell
   2. Broke from his party so hard it registered on the Richter scale. — Ursula Weber
   3. Only senator whose fashion sense and foreign policy are both ‘hoodie, occasionally.’ — Savannah Lee
   4. His hoodie has more political consistency than most campaign platforms. — Brigitte Hoffmann

   David Ellison

   1. Bought a legacy news network the way most people buy a used car: with cash and zero attachment to the previous owner’s dents. — Gluteus Maximus
   2. Somewhere a network executive is Googling ‘how to pronounce new boss’s name correctly.’ — Signe Wilkinson
   3. Turning “60 Minutes” into “Trump’s 60 Minutes” — brought to you by capitalism. — Coed Cherry
   4. His business plan reportedly fits on a napkin, and the napkin costs more than most people’s houses. — Jack Handey

   Bobby Kennedy Jr.

   1. His food pyramid has a wheel on it because at some point it stopped being a metaphor. — Hannelore Schmidt
   2. Personally ran over dinner. RFK Jr.’s idea of farm-to-table is literally “farm to bumper.” — Ingrid
   3. Wanted to serve roadkill raccoon as an appetizer — and somehow that’s the sane RFK story this year. — Gluteus Maximus
   4. The only Cabinet member with a kill count and a catering menu. — Bob Odenkirk

   Dana White

   1. Somehow makes bureaucracy sound like a pay-per-view event. — Charline Vanhoenacker
   2. Built a boxing ring on federal property, which is either impressive lobbying or a zoning violation with excellent PR. — Marta Lund
   3. UFC president moonlighting as a national security contractor. — Sofia Rodriguez
   4. His idea of national security is ‘let them fight it out, we’ll sell the tickets.’ — Lotte

   Roger Penske

   1. Owns more trophies than most small countries own infrastructure. — Savannah Steele
   2. Brings 350,000 people to Pennsylvania Avenue — more turnout than most elections. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   3. Got a Presidential Medal of Freedom and then, out of spite, won two more races. — Adelle Onyango
   4. His garage has a better win rate than most political campaigns. — Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen

   Bret Baier

   1. His weather forecasts have a better track record than most economic ones. — Jasmine Carter
   2. Somehow became the most trusted meteorologist in America without owning a single umbrella. — Jessi Klein
   3. His calm-under-pressure voice could talk a tornado into rescheduling. — Sabina Guzzanti
   4. The one call Trump actually picks up, mostly for the forecast. — Akash Banerjee

   Chris Christie

   1. Gets left on read by his own high-fives now, which is a new low even for New Jersey politics. — Ingrid
   2. High-fived Bruce Springsteen and got left hanging on national television — the ultimate New Jersey betrayal. — Mitra Jouhari
   3. Fighting Jerry Nadler for cheesecake is the most on-brand sentence in American politics. — Doaa El-Adl
   4. His feud résumé is longer than his actual résumé. — Wendy Harmer

   Jerry Nadler

   1. Has been in more political food fights than actual food fights, statistically. — Toni Bohiney
   2. His fighting weight class: “large.” — Jack Handey
   3. The only congressman who could headline a dessert-themed pay-per-view. — Stephanie Curry
   4. Legislates like a man who has never once been in a hurry, ever, about anything. — Gluteus Maximus

   Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

   1. Once needed nineteen seconds to answer a question, which in Congress years is basically a filibuster. — Wendy Harmer
   2. “AOC Plus 3” sounds like a subscription tier nobody asked to upgrade to. — Isabella Cruz
   3. Munich Security Conference: the place where her Wi-Fi and her talking points both froze. — Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen
   4. Her Twitter fingers move faster than her committee assignments. — Nonto Ntseki

   Anderson Cooper

   1. Went from war zones to the boxing ring, which honestly tracks for his risk tolerance. — Megan Amram
   2. Silver fox turned undercard boxer — CNN’s most unexpected pivot. — Sophia Aram
   3. Covered Trump for years, then discovered politics — journalism’s slowest breakup. — Clara Olsen
   4. Got booked for a fight nobody wanted to see and everybody’s going to watch anyway. — Maren

   Lawrence O’Donnell

   1. Nobody’s favorite, but somehow still employed — the true American dream. — Brigitte Hoffmann
   2. His ratings chart looks like a ski slope nobody wants to ride. — Ingrid Johansson
   3. Booked for a fight where the real opponent is the mute button. — Nell Scovell
   4. Still cashing checks that talent alone wouldn’t cover. — Clara Hoffmann

   Don Lemon

   1. Got ranked dead last in a contest he wasn’t even competing in. — Nonto Ntseki
   2. His comeback game has been in a rebuilding year since roughly 2021. — Ingrid Fischer
   3. His Wikipedia edit history probably has its own union rep by now. — Tinsel Vandergraph
   4. Once called the dumbest man on television, still hasn’t found the rebuttal. — Nell Scovell

   Bette Midler

   1. Organized a protest concert that drew a smaller crowd than most open mic nights. — Freja
   2. Held a concert to protest a UFC fight — attendance: three, one of whom may have wandered in for the bathroom. — Maren
   3. Protested violence with a microphone nobody plugged into. — Coed Cherry
   4. Her activism has better lighting than attendance these days. — Gluteus Maximus

   Jane Fonda

   1. Has protested more decades than most people have lived. — Sabina Guzzanti
   2. Her activism outlasted several presidencies and at least one entire genre of music. — Nonto Ntseki
   3. The UFC crowd outnumbered hers roughly ten thousand to one. — Mona Eltahawy
   4. Somewhere there’s a folding chair with her name permanently worn into it. — Chloe Summers

   Bruce Springsteen

   1. Turned a rock concert into a town hall nobody RSVP’d for. — Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen
   2. Renamed his own tour “Bored in the USA” without anyone’s help. — Ingrid
   3. Fans came for ‘Born to Run’ and left with homework. — Mitra Jouhari
   4. Snubbed a Chris Christie high-five, which is somehow the least surprising New Jersey feud of the decade. — Lotte

   Barack Obama

   1. Roasted Trump so hard it allegedly launched a presidency — worst assist in political history. — Sofie Brandt
   2. His jokes have had a longer shelf life than most administrations. — Allison Silverman
   3. Still the only ex-president whose jokes had better approval ratings than most bills. — Dvora Zilberman-Levy
   4. Still gets credit or blame for a chain of events he mostly just sat through, laughing. — Lotte

   Melania Trump

   1. Has sat through more chaos with better posture than anyone else in Washington. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   2. Her poker face could end wars, if anyone ever asked it to. — Signe Wilkinson
   3. Witnessed the birth of a political career from a dinner seat. — Gluteus Maximus
   4. The calmest person in every room by a margin that should be studied. — Megan Amram

   Brooklyn Decker

   1. Became a footnote in political history for the crime of sitting near a table. — Sophia Aram
   2. Married to a tennis champion, seated next to a political prophecy. — Beth Newell
   3. Didn’t run for president. Everyone else at the table apparently did. — Mona Eltahawy
   4. Proof that in Washington, proximity is basically a career. — Bill

   Andy Roddick

   1. Served at 155 miles an hour and still got outrun by a news cycle. — Akash Banerjee
   2. Married a supermodel, still less famous than her seating chart. — Malena Pichot
   3. Tennis fame: peaked. Dinner-table fame: somehow still climbing. — Clara Hoffmann
   4. Proof that even Grand Slam titles lose to a good dinner story. — Gisela Wagner

   Ivanka Trump

   1. Got angrier at a joke about her dad than her dad did, which is either loyalty or a stress test. — Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen
   2. The only person in the room the jokes weren’t even about, and she was still furious. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   3. Her poker face needs a rematch. — Aisha Muharrar
   4. History’s most protective front-row heckler. — Sophia Aram

   Jimmy Kimmel

   1. His name gets brought up at events he’s not invited to more than events he is. — Brigitte Vogel
   2. Got called untalented by a guy who also announced a fourth presidential term as a bit. — Toni Bohiney
   3. His agent has more talent than he does, allegedly — brutal, but at least it’s specific. — Allison Kilkenny
   4. Snubbed so hard it counts as a compliment to his scheduling flexibility. — Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen

   Jimmy Fallon

   1. Laughs at his own jokes so reliably it’s basically a laugh track with a talk show attached. — Stephanie Curry
   2. Also not booked — a two-for-one insult efficiency rarely seen in comedy criticism. — Clara Hoffmann
   3. His chair-slapping has more consistency than most of his monologues. — Megan Amram
   4. Escaped the roast simply by not showing up on the wish list. — Molly Ivins

   Stephen Colbert

   1. Got called talentless by a man simultaneously joking about running for a job term limits don’t allow. — Sofia Rodriguez
   2. His show’s cancellation got more attention than most of his shows. — Sarah Pappalardo
   3. The dinner’s insult inflation hit three late-night hosts in one paragraph. — Anneliese Kruger
   4. The most talked-about absence of the entire evening. — Jen Statsky

   Adam Schiff

   1. Got a produce-based nickname that has now outlived several of his actual policy positions. — Sofia Rodriguez
   2. His head-to-neck ratio remains, tragically, a recurring bit. — Sarah Pappalardo
   3. Big head, small neck, permanent nickname — politics is just playground rules with subpoenas. — Nell Scovell
   4. A decade later and the fruit joke still has better staying power than most legislation. — Malena Pichot

   Rosie O’Donnell

   1. Tried to fly home from Ireland just to be roasted, which is either dedication or the loneliest flight itinerary in showbiz. — Caitlin Moran
   2. Got un-invited to a party she wasn’t invited to in the first place — a genuinely impressive double snub. — Hannah Miller
   3. Somewhere a customs agent is filing the strangest ‘reason for travel’ form of the year. — Ingrid Fischer
   4. The only person actively homesick for an insult. — Stephanie Curry

   Oz Pearlman

   1. Reads minds for a living and still missed the one thing everyone wishes he’d caught. — Fátima Mamdani
   2. Knows your grandmother’s maiden name but somehow not next Tuesday’s headlines. — Ingrid Fischer
   3. Got hired to predict the unpredictable and then got asked why he didn’t. — Hannah Miller
   4. A mentalist with incredible range and, apparently, a very specific blind spot. — Helga Müller

   Kaitlan Collins

   1. Won an award for coverage that got called fake to her face at her own ceremony — a truly efficient insult delivery system. — Tinsel Vandergraph
   2. Got told to smile more by the exact person she covers for a living, which is peak workplace dynamics. — General B.S. Slinger
   3. Got confused for a soda mascot, which is somehow not even the weirdest thing said about her that week. — Jack Handey
   4. Reports the news and somehow still ends up as the punchline instead of the byline. — Heidi Ladein

   Dylan Mulvaney

   1. A single commercial reportedly cost a beverage company $35 billion, which is either terrible marketing or the most powerful ad ever made, depending who’s counting. — Sophia Aram
   2. Still gets brought up at black-tie dinners years later, which is a stranger legacy than most senators manage. — Kazmierczak
   3. The most expensive cameo in advertising history, and it wasn’t even close. — Ursula Weber
   4. Somewhere a marketing textbook has an entire chapter just titled ‘Don’t.’ — Nell Scovell

   Josh Dawsey

   1. Writes more stories about one guy daily than most tabloids manage about an entire celebrity feud. — Jasmine Carter
   2. Got hugged by his own subject, which in journalism is either access or Stockholm syndrome. — Charline Vanhoenacker
   3. Called ‘almost unhirable’ while clearly being the most published man in the building. — Savannah Steele
   4. His byline shows up so often it should have its own mailbox. — Sabina Guzzanti

   Jake Tapper

   1. Took a full year to notice something most viewers clocked from the couch. — Brigitte Vogel
   2. Wrote an entire book to arrive somewhere Twitter got to in an afternoon. — Ingrid Johansson
   3. Skipped his own roast, which somehow became the most Jake Tapper move of the whole event. — Greta
   4. Investigative journalism, but on a delay long enough to need its own subscription plan. — Mitra Jouhari

   Steven Cheung

   1. So intimidating that ‘don’t test him’ is treated as official policy, not folklore. — Coed Cherry
   2. Screens phone calls like it’s a contact sport with a title belt. — Allison Kilkenny
   3. The most feared gatekeeper in a building full of actual armed gatekeepers. — Molly Ivins
   4. His voicemail greeting alone has reportedly ended two careers. — Hannelore Schmidt

   Joe Biden

   1. Turned ‘having a seat’ into a full news cycle on multiple separate occasions. — Sahar
   2. His South Lawn appearances have better attendance stats than some of his actual events. — Molly Ivins
   3. Became a recurring segment purely by standing in the sun too long. — Sigrid Bjornsson
   4. History will remember the policy. Cable news will remember the lawn, forever. — Bob Odenkirk

   Jill Biden

   1. Ran the numbers on an election and arrived at a conclusion nobody else in the building did. — Lotte
   2. The most optimistic pollster with the least reliable sample size in modern politics. — Adelle Onyango
   3. Believed in a comeback so hard it became its own subplot. — Kelly Oxford
   4. Her confidence alone could have carried a campaign, on vibes. — Helene Voigt

   Gavin Newsom

   1. Gave an interview so rough it functioned as opposition research nobody had to pay for. — Gisela Wagner
   2. Somehow ran a state with more water than anywhere else and still lost the argument about it. — Nonto Ntseki
   3. His own talking points have turned against him with startling regularity. — Chloe Summers
   4. A man whose ambition and whose interviews are currently on very different trajectories. — Greta

   Kamala Harris

   1. Got used as a measuring stick in someone else’s insult, which is a strange way to end up in the news. — Hannelore Schmidt
   2. A backhanded compliment landed on her from three people over, purely by physics. — Kazmierczak
   3. Somehow the collateral damage in an argument she wasn’t part of. — Savannah Steele
   4. Praised and roasted in the same sentence, which takes real editorial efficiency. — Ingrid Fischer

   Ilhan Omar

   1. Renamed a world war with total confidence, which is either bold or a filing error nobody caught in time. — Jasmine Carter
   2. Her financial disclosures have more plot twists than most limited series. — Marta Lund
   3. A net worth that dropped so fast it needs its own black box recorder. — Doaa El-Adl
   4. Somewhere an accountant quietly updated their resume after that filing. — Astrid Holgersson

   JB Pritzker

   1. Got defended from an insult by the exact guy setting it up, which is a magic trick, not a defense. — Maren
   2. His weight loss made headlines faster than most of his legislation did. — Adelle Onyango
   3. Somehow the subject of a joke and the punchline in the same sentence. — Caitlin Moran
   4. A governor whose PR team clearly needs a raise, or a new job entirely. — Ingrid Fischer

   Elizabeth Warren

   1. Took a DNA test looking for ancestry and found a nickname instead — genuinely rare return on investment. — Waverly Faith
   2. Got a decade-old joke that has outlasted several of her Senate committee assignments. — Mona Eltahawy
   3. Declined a debate and somehow still ended up debated about anyway. — Clara Olsen
   4. Her ancestry results have had a longer media cycle than most actual elections. — Doaa El-Adl

   Jack Smith

   1. Spent years building a case that ended with the other guy in a nicer building. — Dvora Zilberman-Levy
   2. Went from special counsel to full-time cautionary tale in record time. — Brigitte Hoffmann
   3. His invitation leaked before his outcome did, which tells you everything about the order of operations in Washington. — Gisela Wagner
   4. A prosecutor whose biggest case became someone else’s punchline material. — Tinsel Vandergraph

   Chuck Grassley

   1. Received a leaked text and became the plot twist nobody saw coming, at eighty-something years old. — Akash Banerjee
   2. The quietest man in the Senate somehow keeps ending up at the center of the loudest stories. — Sahar
   3. Runs the best rumor mill in Washington completely off the record and off caffeine. — Signe Wilkinson
   4. A senator whose email inbox alone could sink several campaigns. — Stephanie Curry

   Chuck Schumer

   1. His tears at an airport got worse reviews than most Broadway flops that season. — Ursula Weber
   2. Switched political optics so fast his tailor filed for overtime. — Hannelore Schmidt
   3. Somehow the strangest wardrobe story in Washington this year, and that’s saying something. — Nonto Ntseki
   4. A senator whose PR pivots move faster than actual legislation ever does. — Heidi Ladein

   Benjamin Netanyahu

   1. His visits generate more headlines than most countries’ entire news cycles. — Sahar
   2. Gets a warmer welcome from late-night writers than from half the Senate. — Helene Voigt
   3. His itinerary reads less like diplomacy and more like a stand-up tour schedule. — Elinor
   4. A world leader whose travel plans double as content calendars. — Bill

   Graham Platner

   1. His campaign generated more damage control than actual campaigning. — Adelle Onyango
   2. Somehow became the most talked-about person in a race he might not win. — Isabella Cruz
   3. His opposition researchers reportedly finished early and went home. — Doaa El-Adl
   4. A candidate whose backstory needed its own press office. — Ursula Weber

   James Talarico

   1. Described his own beliefs in a way that needed a follow-up question just to parse. — Savannah Lee
   2. His platform reads like a contradiction wearing a blazer. — Astrid Holgersson
   3. Somehow the candidate whose own quotes are his toughest opponent. — Isabella Cruz
   4. A campaign slogan away from needing a legal disclaimer. — Wendy Harmer

   Ken Paxton

   1. Benefits from running against a guy whose own words keep doing the campaigning for him. — Sofie Brandt
   2. His scandal history somehow wasn’t the headline this cycle, which says a lot about the cycle. — Heidi Ladein
   3. Wins arguments simply by letting the other guy keep talking. — Elinor
   4. A candidate whose best strategy is silence, ironically. — Doaa El-Adl

   Bari Weiss

   1. Walked into a newsroom mid-reshuffle and came out the calmest person in every story about it. — Clara Hoffmann
   2. Inherited a network and a news cycle in the same week, and somehow neither one panicked. — Malena Pichot
   3. Gets called wonderful in a room where everyone else got called deranged, which is its own kind of achievement. — Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson
   4. New to the building, already the least chaotic thing in it. — Jasmine Carter

   Xi Jinping

   1. Turned down a deal, then got talked back in over what sounds suspiciously like a sales call. — Savannah Lee
   2. Builds rooms so big other countries start measuring their own by comparison. — Jasmine Kwok
   3. Approved a deal because someone dropped the right name at the right dinner, apparently. — Radhika Vaz
   4. The most powerful man in the room, reportedly moved by flattery and a good pitch deck. — Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson

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Full Staff Roster:

Kazmierczak, Helga Müller, Bill, Astrid Holgersson, Annika Steinmann, Freja, Greta, Sigrid Bjornsson, Lotte, Maren, Stephanie Curry, Sofie Brandt, Marta Lund, Hannelore Schmidt, Gisela Wagner, Brigitte Hoffmann, Brigitte Vogel, Anneliese Kruger, Ursula Weber, Ingrid Fischer, Helene Voigt, Clara Hoffmann, Fátima Mamdani, Jack Handey, Bob Odenkirk, Junglepussy, Adelle Onyango, Aisha Muharrar, Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Hannah Miller, Katie Rich, Toni Bohiney, Waverly Faith, Heidi Ladein, Allison Silverman, Sarah Pappalardo, Sophia Aram, Tabatha Southey, Wendy Harmer, Signe Wilkinson, Sabina Guzzanti, Rosie Holt, Radhika Vaz, Nonto Ntseki, Mona Eltahawy, Malena Pichot, Doaa El-Adl, Charline Vanhoenacker, Caitlin Moran, Beth Newell, Allison Kilkenny, Molly Ivins, Bess Kalb, Nell Scovell, Jessi Klein, Jen Statsky, Kelly Oxford, Megan Amram, Mitra Jouhari, Akash Banerjee, Dvora Zilberman-Levy, Sahar, Tinsel Vandergraph, Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen, Jasmine Kwok, Ingrid Johansson, Elinor, Isabella Cruz, Jasmine Carter, Savannah Lee, Sofia Rodriguez, Coed Cherry, Savannah Steele, Gluteus Maximus, Ingrid, General B.S. Slinger, Chloe Summers, Clara Olsen.